Navigating the Cable Jungle

A few days ago my neighbors called and offered me $50 if I could come over and figure out how to rig up their DirectTV. What ensued was an ordeal of proportions far beyond what should be caused by a satellite box.

The end state set up was going to be totally sweet. 52" 1080i Toshiba flat screen, four speaker surround sound, DVD, CD, VCR, and DirectTV. great spot in the room, good acoustics, and good lighting, and a shelf set up with the back cut out so as to facilitate the running of cables. They even had all the manuals.

I kicked things off by looking at the manuals, and plugging everything into each other in the manner proscribed by the surround sound manual. CD, DVD, VCR, and satellite, all running into the surround sound, then being routed into the TV from there. Plugged it in and got nothing. So we tried various configurations, using component cables, S Video, and HDMI. Those yielded nil, nadda, and bumpkis, respectively. After an odd mixture of S Video and Components, we finally managed to get the Direct TV picture on the screen. No sound though. So I consulted the manual for the surround sound again.

It listed a system setup needed to optimize the speakers. Ok. So I began to go through the steps. Go through the menu. Check. Select system setup. Check. Verify speakers are attached. Check. Attach microphone and set it at ear level in the most likely to be occupied seat. Huh? Microphone?

Turns out the surround sound has a microphone attachment that you need to plug into the dash, and place at ear level, this starts up a test cycle that'll calibrate the speakers. The first problem was how to get the microphone at ear level without blocking it from some speakers. I feared I would have to hold it up, bearing their hopes for a decent entertainment system upon my shoulders like some relatively unimportant Atlas. Fortunately, their 10 year old daughter came out holding a camera tripod in her hands. Some electrical tape later, we had a working stand for the microphone.

I started the test. It puts out these sonar pings from each speaker. I kind of felt like Sean Connery in Hunt for the Red October. Then, we had to repeat it six more times, once at each place where people were likely to sit. After all these tests, the surround sound box shut itself down as it computed the optimal default volumes for the speakers. I thought we were golden.

Alas, it was not to be. As now, we knew the speakers worked, but there was still no sound, and in fact, the picture had been shut off too. Well... shit. I'm getting frustrated. So I continue reading through manuals, getting nowhere slowly. Finally, I throw in the towel, I call my dad up. He took a look at it, and began to work on the surround sound.

Suddenly, it came to me. We plugged the DirectTV into the Surround sound and the TV. We then plugged the DVD player into both the surround sound and the TV. Then we plugged the CD player in the surround sound. That dual link was a trick I cooked up when I had a Playstation, Super Nintendo, and Nintendo 64 all at once. We fired it up, and tested the systems. All go. I took my money, and went home, immensely satisfied with myself.

A Flash Full of Wing Wong.

I woke up on Saturday morning with what seems to be the beginning of a sinus infection. Well, shit. However, my friend Mike had a "surprise" birthday party, and it was my job to get burgers to the barbecue, and I'd be damned if I would let there be a barbecue without burgers. That's just unamerican. Salt water gargles do miracles for cleaning up the throat.

So off I go to Fred Meyers, to purchase 34 burgers and 32 buns. Stupid packaging disparity. I rolled up to the house, and dropped off the food with Sarah, and we got the party preparations set. There was pizza, chips, hot dogs, hamburgers, dirt cups, beer, and lots of other good stuff.

When Mike arrived, the festivities started in earnest. Thanks to the decent weather, we set up shop outside. I played a game of outdoor beer pong. It's a whole different animal outdoors, accounting for windage wreaked havoc on everyone's shots. Fortunately, I'm used to dealing with windage, so I played pretty well. We got the grill fired up, and soon the scent of formerly frozen beef patties crackling over a charcoal flame wafted throughout the yard. I put together a nice cheeseburger, with colby jack, lettuce, horseradish sauce, mustard and ketchup. Delicious.

Nick had brought over his full Rock Band setup, drums, bass, guitar, and mike. Everyone had snapped up the instruments, and as soon as I walked in, I got pegged with the vocals. I made it through the songs I knew pretty well, In Bloom, The Hand That Feeds, Creep, all went well. The songs I didn't know... Not so much.

Andy unveiled his new toy. A 3 foot long blow gun. We had a field day with that one. We shot pretty much everything we could spare, and even popped each other with the blunt tipped slugs. It was fun, in a sadistic sort of way.

Forrest Gump came on TNT. I love that movie, and believe that it is possibly the best movie of our generation. There's so much innuendo that I never picked up the first time I saw it.

After some of the party drew to a close, we headed over to watch the acapella show. The ladies of UO opened, and were pretty damn good. The Divines, the OSU womens group, went on next. As much as it pains me to say it, I think the Ducks did a better job. Outspoken, the OSU mens group came up, and did an excellent job. acapella shows, by their nature, are a little campy, but Outspoken embraced it. Their rendition of Life is a Highway was superb, marred only by the feed cord accidentally being pulled from the mike, making it sound like someone had been shot.

After the show ended, Mike came up with a crazy idea. It was 11PM, and we were going to a hot spring. Serena rolled in with her mom's minivan, we piled the eight of us in, and we were off before we really understood what happened. Half of us didn't have bathing suits, and shamed the other half into ditching theirs. It was pretty dark out, starlight only, so we really didn't see anything. But hey, skinny dipping in a sulfur hot spring is always fun. We passed around a bottle of cheap red wine, and played the stupid games that inevitably happen when you mix nudity, alcohol, and steam. Truth or Dare, yippee. Fortunately, things didn't get too inappropriate or uncomfortable. We played two rounds, and I picked truth once, and dare once. For truth, I got asked if I ever wished I was shorter. I certainly wish I had a more standardized body type when it comes to buying clothes. And for a dare, I was challenged to hop into the spring above us, which was much hotter, and occupied by a couple that was getting a little *ahem* friendly. Good for them, I just hope that the sulfur killed off anything that got released.

As we were trying to get back to the bench from the spring, Serena turned around with Mike's camera, and FLASH. Well, there goes my modesty. Thank God for my Brazilian side. On the ride back, we discretely checked which pictures were appropriate, and which weren't, and deleted the one's that didn't spare someones dignity. The others were kept for posterity, and no, they will not be posted here.

Mike drove us home, and the rest of us slept in the most uncomfortable positions possible, we made it back in town just before five AM, and began the frantic race against time to get everyone back to their homes, and more importantly, beds, before the sun rose, and screwed up any chance at sleep. It was so worth it.