Fixing College Football: The Southeastern Conference

Here's where I'm probably gonna hit the most friction. Retooling the SEC. We've already pulled out Kentucky and South Carolina and stuck them in the Big East and the ACC, respectively.

The University of Alabama

Auburn University

The University of Florida

The University of Georgia

The University of Mississippi

Mississippi State University

Vanderbilt University

The University of Tennessee

Louisiana State University

Georgia Tech University

The first eight were easy, traditional, rivalries. However, LSU doesn't have a traditional rival, neither does Arkansas. I decided to pull Arkansas because they are the most decentralized geographically. I threw in Georgia Tech from the ACC to centralize the SEC more in the south east.

Drink of the Moment: Tequila Sunrise

The Tequila Sunrise is another classic western drink. The drink is named for the color spectrum that comes out when the drink settles. It's also become synonymous with an early morning hangover. First made in Arizona, it was popularized in 1973 by the Eagles song, "Tequila Sunrise", again in 1988 after a Mel Gibson movie sharing the name, and again in 1998 after Cypress Hill wrote a song with the same name. The drink has about a 10 year cycle, and I'm bringing it back!

To make the tequila sunrise, you need orange juice, grenadine, and tequila. Take a highball glass, and fill it with ice. Add 3 parts tequila and 6 parts orange juice. Stir the drink, then add 1 part grenadine. Let the grenadine settle to the bottom of the glass, and do not stir. Garnish with a cherry or an orange wedge, I prefer the orange, but to each their own. Take a sip and picture yourself waking up bleary eyed... on second thought, picture yourself enjoying a beautiful sunrise after a night out with some good friends.

There are many variations to the Tequila Sunrise. The Caribbean Sunrise replaces the Tequila with rum, the Siberian Sunrise replaces it with vodka, the Kentucky Sunrise with bourbon, and the Malibu Sunrise uses Coconut rum. If you add 1/2 an ounce of lime juice to the drink, you get an Arizona Sunrise. Throw in a couple ounces of Peach Schnapps, and you'll get the Fuzzy Sunrise, a favorite of the ladies. Replace the Orange Juice with 7up to create a Bloody Hurricane. There is a drink called the Tequila Sunset, that uses blackberry brandy in the place of grenadine.

College Football: Against the Spread: Week 2

I'm 12-11 against the spread and 7-5 on Over/Under.

1: USC: Bye Week

2: Georgia: vs. CMU, -24, 56 ov, Look for Central Michigan to cover, and take the over. Enjoy the Dan LeFevour show.

3: Ohio State: vs. Ohio, -34, 45 ov, Ohio State will cover, but take the over.

4: Oklahoma: vs. Cincinatti, -21.5, 53.5 ov, Oklahoma will cover, take the under.

5: Florida: vs. Miami, -21.5, 51.5 ov, Take Florida and the Over. Tempers will flare.

6: Missouri: vs. Southeast Missouri State, No spread.

7: LSU: vs. Troy, -24.5, LSU will cover in another cupcake game. Please Les, grow some fucking balls.

8: West Virginia: @ East Carolina, -7.5, 50 ov, Take West Virginia and the Under.

9: Auburn: Vs. Southern Miss, -17.5, 41.5 ov, Take Auburn and the Under.

10: Texas: @ UTEP, -28, 58 ov, Take Texas and the Over. UTEP got lit up by Buffallo, I don't think the oddsmakers caught this one yet.

11: Wisconsin: vs. Marshall, -20.5, 51 ov, Take Wisconsin and the Under.

12: Texas Tech: @ Nevada, -10.5, 64.5 ov, Take Texas Tech and the Over.

13: Alabama: vs Tulane, -30, 43.5 ov, This being Tulane's first game, they've been gunning for Alabama all offseason, Tulane covers, take the Over.

14: Kansas: vs. Louisiana Tech, -20.5, 52 ov, Take Kansas and the Under.

15: Arizona State: vs. Stanford, -14, 53.5 ov, Take ASU and the Under.

16: BYU: @ Washington, -10, 55 ov, take BYU and the Under.

17: South Florida: @ UCF, -14, 53 ov, Take USF and the under.

18: Oregon: vs. Utah State, -35.5, 50 ov, take Oregon and the Over.

19: Penn State: vs. OSU, -16.5, 46 ov, OSU will cover, take the over.

20: Wake Forest: vs. Ole Miss, -8, 47 ov, Wake Forest and the Under.

21: Fresno State: Bye

22: Utah: vs. UNLV, -22, 40.5 ov, take Utah and the over.

23: UCLA: Bye

24: Illinois: vs. Eastern Illinois, no spread

25: South Carolina: @ Vanderbilt, -10, Take South Carolina in their traditional fast start.

Fixing College Football: The Atlantic Coast Conference

Well, the ACC is a mess right now. Let's rework that disaster.

The University of Miami (Florida)

Florida State University

Duke University

The University of North Carolina

North Carolina State University

Wake Forest University

Virginia Tech University

The University of Virginia

Clemson University

The University of South Carolina

Who the hell thought to put the Gamecocks into the SEC? Remember the brawl in 04 that Lou Holtz tried to break up? That's fucking HATE right there. Hate breeds drama, drama breeds interest, interest breeds cash. VT vs UVA, UM vs FSU, Duke vs UNC, NC State vs Wake Forest. This is a Gemini model in the vein of the Pac 10. Everyone has an in conference rival. Everyone has That Game to look foreword to.

Maryland and Boston College are too far north. BC is really a better rival with Notre Dame anyways, and Maryland's most hated foe is Johns Hopkins. Maryland will be a tough one to place. Georgia Tech is really more in SEC territory anyways.

The ACC takes these changes very well, as most of the schools fall neatly into existing rivalries.

Tropic Thunder

Tropic Thunder is a stupid movie. However, a quote from the movie itself illustrates just what that means.

Downey: "Everybody knows you never do a full retard."

Stiller: "What do you mean?"

Downey: "Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard."

When Tropic Thunder is stupid, it's a hilarious, farcical, deconstruction of the movie industry, and actors world wide. When Tropic Thunder goes completely stupid, it's just annoying. Unfortunately, it skews between the two often enough that it seems the film just isn't sure of what it wants to do.

The cast is star studded. Ben Stiller plays Tugg Speedman, an over the top action star on the downside of his career, similar to another actor on the film.

Robert Downey Jr. plays Kirk Lazarus. The ultimate method actor, the Australian has won five Oscars, and is so dedicated to his role that he underwent a surgical procedure to allow him to portray the Black Sgt. Lincoln Osiris. One part Russell Crowe, one part Robert De Niro.

Jack Black plays Jeff Portnoy, a drug addled comic known for his low brow, multi role comedies. Think Eddie Murphy meets Mike Myers.

Brandon Jackson plays Alpa Chino, a rapper, turned business mogul, turned actor. Think P. Diddy meets Gangstaliscious.

Jay Baruchel plays Kevin Sandusky, a young actor whom no one really knows.

Nick Nolte plays "Four Leaf" Tayback, handless Vietnam vet, who wrote the book the film within the film is based on.

Matthew McConaughey plays Rick "Pecker" Peck, Speedman's agent. Basically Drew Rosenhaus on crack.

Tom Cruise plays Les Grossman, a foul mouthed, scheming producer. One part Donald Trump, one part Mark Cuban.

Tropic Thunder kicks off with some fake previews that set the tone for each primadonna actor, followed by a blown scene, in which a $4 million explosion is set off without the cameras rolling. The film is a month behind schedule, only five days into production. Speedman and Lazerus are fighting over creative control, Chino whores out his energy drink "booty sweat" every other line, and Portnoy is wired on heroin. The rookie director is unable to handle the massive egos of the primadonna actors, and with the producer breathing down his neck, he accepts an idea from the slightly unstable Tayback.

The proceed to fly the actors deep into the Vietnam jungle, where a setup of hidden cameras and the director's camcorder would empower them to film the scenes "Guerrilla style". However, the situation changes rapidly as they are found by drug smugglers, and despite their thoughts that it's still a movie, the situation becomes very real.

The film is well done thematically. Things are always satirical. The problem is that it tries to go too many places at once. Imagine The Naked Gun trying to be somewhat serious as a film, despite still being completely scatterbrained. It could really have done with some tightening up, removing some of the "fully retarded" sections.

The acting varies heavily. Stiller comes out a little stiff, and Jack Black has never been a serious actor, simply portraying the same speedball style of shock acting. Baruchel and Jackson are pretty good. Cruise and McConaughey have some scenes that push the stupidity quotient. Downey Jr. does the best. His ability to switch accents is impressive, and the ability to convincingly carry out a person who is convincingly carrying out another person is pretty damn impressive.

The soundtrack is excellent, and accentuates the movie very well.

Tropic Thunder is 107 minutes long, and brought in a 71 on metacritic. All in all, it's a decent comedy, but a little too much of a roller coaster ride. I'll give it a 5/10.

Thoughts on Week 1 of College Football

Well, I went 12-11 against the spread and 7-5 over/under last week. I'll have next weeks picks up by Wednesday.

Darryll Catchings, I'd just like to say that I hate you.

However, Sammie Stroughter is back. Hot Damn!

Coach Riley needs to run the ball more. He also needs to hire an assistant who's sole job is to constantly keep him appraised of the play clock and game clock.

The theory of SEC supremecy just took a blow, as the 18th ranked Tennessee Volunteers just fell to the unranked UCLA Bruins and their third string QB.

Speaking of Kevin Craft, is he schizo? There was a 180 degree difference between his first and second half performance.

The ACC is a joke this year. Their top 2 teams fall in upsets, and even their wins were pretty freaking ugly. 7 points over Delaware? 8 points over McNeese State?

USC is out to prove a point this season.

Jake Locker reminds me of Elway at Stanford. Great QB, with a garbage team around him.

I think Chris Well's injury is worse than they're letting on. If he's still in a boot during practice, it might be broken.

Michigan is in for a long, LONG season. And it makes me smile.

Between Georgia and Auburn, it looks like they gonna drop out of the race due solely to injuries.

Will someone tell Les Miles to grow some balls and schedule a real non conference schedule? Tell the rest of the SEC while you're at it.

Heisman Ranking:

Please note that I rank the Heisman Winners as in, and in order of liklyhood to win. You will not see Armanti Edwards or Vontae Davis on this list.

1. Mark Sanchez: Got off to the hottest start. 300+ yards, 70%+, and 3 TDs against a BCS defense. He's bolstered by the recent performance of Palmer and Leinart, establishing position of USC QB as one of national Prominence.

2. Pat White: He's provided a valuable cushion for his passing stats. 5 TDs through the air puts him well on his way.

3. Chris Wells: He underperformed, and the injury cost the preseason front runner.

4. Tim Tebow: Lackluster day cost him a chance to blow up his stats before Harvin comes back.

5. Chase Daniels: Great Performance in a shootout with a ranked team on prime time.

The Mummy 3: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

At the drive in as a double feature with The Dark Knight, was The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. I saw it with Jeff and Amber, and when they fell asleep, I was left as the sole witness in our group to the sad state of the Mummy franchise.

Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is as much worse than The Mummy Returns as that film was worse than the original Mummy. Thankfully, the Rock's The Scorpion King remains the low point in the series.

Brendan Frasier returns as Rick O'Connell, mummy slayer extraordinaire. His role hasn't changed, he still has a quicker wit than the character lets on, and an even quicker trigger finger.

Rachel Weisz does not return as Rick's wife, Eve. Instead, she's replaced by Maria Bello. I was not a fan of this move. Bello opts to abandon the clumsy stylings of the librarian out of her depth that Weisz conveyed, and replaced it with a kind of airheadedness more appropriate in an episode of the Hills.

Luke Ford plays the now 21 year old Alex O'Connell. He's in the midst of a struggle between himself and his father better reserved for a teenage character.

Isabella Leong plays Lin, Alex's crush, and an immortal Chinese ninja who's mission is to destroy the Dragon Emperor.

Jet Li plays the titular Dragon Emperor. The first emperor of China, who unified the realm, built the Great Wall, and mastered the five elements. Cursed to terracotta form by a witch, he slumbers with his army, awaiting the opportunity to begin his conquest again.

The movie opens with a recap of the life of the Dragon Emperor. The first emperor of all of China, he conquered everyone who stood against him, then cursed them to forever hold up his works, as he had them executed in a mass grave, and built the Great Wall of China upon their bodies. It doesn't take an engineer to tell you that the cursed corpses of the lost and the damned make a poor foundation material. He goes on to master the five elements, but soon realizes that there is one thing he has not yet mastered, death. As he ages, he sends Ming, his most trustworthy general to go find a witch, who supposedly has the secret to immortality. Upon finding her, she turns out to be a beautiful woman, and the emperor immediately declares that no man is to touch her save him. The witch claims not to know the secret to immortality, but she knows where to find it, in a hidden Buddhist monastery. The Emperor sends both the witch, and Ming to find this secret. As they search the many tomes together, they fall in love, and consummate their relationship. Returning to the emperor, the witch cast a spell upon him. Satisfied, he leads her to the balcony, where he asks her to be his wife. She refuses, and he reveals Ming, in the square below them, a quarterhorse tied to each limb. Ming is dismembered, and the witch flees. The spell she casts begins to take effect, turning the emperor and his army into Terracotta.

The film then jumps to modern times with an expose of the O'Connell's opulent home in Oxfordshire, England, earned as a reward for their actions safeguarding priceless artifacts in the Second World War. 13 years after The Mummy Returns, their son Alex is now 21 years old, and secretly conducting an archaeological dig in China, searching for the tomb of the Dragon Emperor. A British diplomat approaches Rick and Eve with one final task, taking the Eye of Shangri-La to the Chinese Government. Eve's brother, Jonathon, now owns a nightclub in China, the aptly named Imhotep. There they run into Alex, and the traditional father son spat ensues. As tempers cool, Alex offers to show his parents the exhibit he'll soon be opening at the very museum that the O'Connell's need to deposit the Eye.

While inspecting the sarcophagus of the Dragon Emperor, Alex's partner reveals a treacherous plan by renegades within the Chinese military to use the Eye of Shangri-La to resurrect the Dragon Emperor and establish China as the center of his new, worldwide, empire. As the emperor reawakens, he escapes, despite the best efforts of the O'Connells. Heading towards a remote monastery, the emperor takes the Eye of Shangri-La, which will unveil the location of Shangri-La, and the pool of immortality. It's up to the O'Connell's to stop him.

The visuals, acting, and story are all what you'd expect from the Mummy series. That is to say, great, sub par, and dumbed down, respectively. The plot is written more for the 10-14 year old demographic, so it seems a little slow for the older viewers. some of the plot points get to be a little excessive, especially when the yetis get involved.

Jet Li isn't nearly as impressive an actor when he isn't doing crazy martial arts stunts. Given his retirement from Wushu films after Fearless, this is disappointing. Brendan Fraiser is still the high point of the film, with his fly by the seat of your pants attitude of Rick O'Connell portrayed perfectly. I've already stated my issues with Maria Bello's job, and Luke Ford comes off as too whiny.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is a mediocre film, sufficient for fans of the genre, but not for general audiences. The film is 114 minutes long, and was given a 31 on metacritic.
I give the film a 4/10.